If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
