Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
