sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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