I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
