So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
