Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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