is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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