just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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