She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
