were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
