My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
