how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
