Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
