I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
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SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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