I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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