Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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