i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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