My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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