I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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