hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
