This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
