you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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