i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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