Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Who did Billy Mays play for?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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