my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
