Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
