Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
