listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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