Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
