Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I am available for nakedness
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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