my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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