Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you traded sex for a burrito?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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