Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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