thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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