I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
