That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
