And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
