My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
