So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
