dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
