Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
