i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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