Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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