I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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