Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
