Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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