tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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