Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
