And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
