honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
