dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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