shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
