wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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