she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
