guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
