i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
