Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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