just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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