He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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