I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
