So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
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Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
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HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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