mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
