y did u give ur computer a hand job?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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