Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
