Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
do herpes really smell.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
